Halloween Safety

Children are clumsy to begin with. It’s not their fault their still growing. Put them in an ill fitting Chewbacca suit to with two narrow eye slits and the potential for disaster increases exponentially. Help the rug rats out and limit the homeowner insurance claims by keeping your front porch and walkways clear of tripping hazards.

I never understood decorating pumpkins for Halloween. They either end up busted up in the streets or rotting on my front steps. Pumpkins are good for one thing, pumpkin pie. Mmmmm, Pumpkin Pie. However, if you have to carve a Pumpkin and set it out front don’t put a candle inside. As technology progressed we moved away from dangerous fire to a slightly safer lighting source called a flashlight. When the plastic power ranger costume clad cretins come banging on your door you’ll rest easy knowing you won’t have to get the garden hose and put out the kid engulfed in flames rolling around in your front yard.

As far as costumes go, Ninjas are cool. I don’t know why but ask any kid and they’ll tell you Ninjas rule. Second come pirates. Pirates that wield toy scimitars and hack up that stupid pumpkin you’ve spent six hours carving. Last year I saw at least 4 Ninjas and 3 Pirates in my neighborhood. The Ninjas were clad in all black, kicking pumpkins to the curb and running across the dimly lit streets. Remember these aren’t real ninjas, you could never back over a real ninja with you car. These are pretend ninjas who tend to run into the street in ill fitting garments tripping and falling down as you’re driving by trying to avoid the pumpkins being chucked at your car by the stupid pirates. I suggest staying at home to protect it from pirate pillaging this year. Avoid traveling during the hours the kids are out. If you do have to go somewhere, use extreme caution.

Do you own a dog? This may come as news to you but, dogs bite kids. Rufus the 150 pound Doberman is only to happy to chase down a 50 pound kid bite him, and then wolf down the candy he drops. Dogs love to push their way past you out the door as you open it to dispense candy to the ruffians. Nothing makes the holiday better than prying your Pit bull off the neighbor kid while his parents are screaming lawsuit. Keep Rufus locked away for the night, your insurance company will thank you.

When picking out the costume for your kids stay clear of the ninja isle. Buy something bright and reflective for high visibility. Tell them it’s a pirate ninja robot or something. Add the words pirate ninja to any kids costume and it will immediately become cooler. Keep them in groups it’s safer. Also provide a little adult supervision; the pumpkin owners will thank you. Avoid alleyways and dark paths, that’s were the real ninjas lurk, or cars that may be unable to see you in the dark. Instead of a pumpkin slicing scimitar give them a flashlight, or a light saber, something to increase their visibility to people on the road. If they do go out alone know where their going and when they’ll come home. It will help you fill out the police report later when the Cops show up and accuse your kid and eight ninjas of lobbing flaming pumpkins at the local Quickie Mart and burning it to the ground.

Have a Safe and Happy Halloween