Remodeling

It’s time for a new toilet. I was looking online (I do that a lot) for some sort of super shit sucker 9000 version. Toilets are amazing things. First incarnation was around 2,000 years ago our biggest development happened in the 1800 when we made it flushable. Some dude named Thomas Crapper (I kid you not, that’s his name) upgraded the plumbing bits and the modern toilet was born.

So my quest begins. I look at all the offerings at the local home depot, and local plumbing companies but no real super flusher 9000. Then I found it, the TOTO Toilet. Remember when you got your first walkman? You thought to yourself, what a great idea. Then came the Compact Disk followed by the MP3 player. The Japanese took a record player and over the years has designed the most technologically advanced system of musical playback ever seen. It seems while the American Plumbers were all out listening to their CD players the Japanese have been quietly designing the next great invention in poo technology.

It all starts like this, the Japanese used to have outhouses. When the TOTO Ver 1.0 was introduced after WW II it wasn’t very popular. See, toilets are cold and its bad enough trying to poo while squatting outside in the outhouse let alone having your but cheeks frozen to a porcelain lid in the middle of December. Ver 2.0 included a heated seat option as well as a little hose to wash your backside with. It was slowly starting to gain acceptance, and sales picked up. The ever vigilant scientist at TOTO industries started looking for ways to improve their design. They went so far as to measure the back bits of all workers at their factories to determine the most optimum angle and position of water cleaning jets. Because they had a limited sampling of women they went to a local strip clubs and took precise measurements of their naughty bits as well. Back at TOTO factories, in secret, an extendable arm was developed with three holes. Two holes shoot perfectly heated water controlled by a sensor to wash either male or female anatomy. The third shoots hot air, drying your nether region. The special integrated washer was engineered at precisely the right distance and angle (43 degrees) to prevent backwash. There was no need for toilet paper, the Japanese logically concluded toilet paper was nasty. Sure we wipe our backside with it but let’s give that some thought. If you get poo on your hands you don’t rub them clean on a towel do you? No you disgusting Pigs you wash them.

The Japanese are geniuses. “Clear the Room” smells are cleansed via an in bowl ionizer. The lid electronically raises and lowers. The lights can be controlled to gently illuminate so no more stumbling into the bathroom. This fricken’ thing has a remote control and a radio. The toilet was made tank less with a special design that whisks away the poo like Niagara Falls. The Top secret research Lab actually created fake poo of the exact consistence required to leave skid marks down the back of an American type toilet. Then countless tests later they finalized the design for the Neorest flush system (or as I like to call it the Super Sitter Shitter 9000). The onboard computer can also learn via weight sensors the habits of the Shitee? It will adjust the initial water and air temp to his or her liking.

Is the greatest invention this century the Blu Ray.. Nay;

Perhaps the Tesla electric car, or the hubble space telescope, I think not.

Behold the NeoRest 650....

Version 5.0 is now for sale in the United States and I must have one……..